Why We Struggle To Ask For What We Want

There is a silent war waging inside many of us: the conflict between what we desire and what we believe we are allowed to have. You might find yourself thinking, "I want this, but I shouldn't," or "I don't want money to rule my life," while secretly harboring deep aspirations for success. This internal friction does more than create stress; it fundamentally blocks your aliveness.

When you cannot own your wants, you are often unable to own the fact that it is okay for you to exist fully. Many people struggle to ask for what they want because they view "wants" as static objects—a car, a relationship, a job title—rather than an emotional experience. However, the act of wanting is an emotion in itself. It is a state of being.

To understand, feel, and speak your wants cleanly is a profound unlock. It changes how you lead in business, how you connect in relationships, and how you experience your own identity. It shifts you from a state of repression to a state of vitality.

Key Takeaways

• Wanting is an emotion, not just a transaction: Before you focus on the object of your desire, you must allow yourself to experience the physical and emotional sensation of "wanting" without resistance.
• Suppression breeds codependence: When you cannot own your needs, you inevitably try to manipulate others into meeting them or become resentful when they don't, destroying intimacy and trust.
• Clear desires create safety: Contrary to the belief that asking is selfish, clearly stating your wants allows others to know exactly how to interact with you, eliminating guesswork and anxiety.
• Distinguish wanting from craving: Healthy wanting is an expression of aliveness and evolution; craving is an obsessive need to "solve" a feeling of lack.

The Psychology of Wanting: Why We Suppress Desire

The struggle to ask for what we want rarely starts in adulthood. It often stems from early developmental environments where a child was taught that their primary role was to satisfy the wants of their caregivers, rather than the caregiver meeting the needs of the child.

In healthy attachment dynamics, a caregiver validates the child’s needs. However, when roles are reversed—when a child feels responsible for a parent's happiness—they learn to view their own desires as burdensome or dangerous. This creates a psychological pattern where the individual loses access to the feeling of wanting. They may become numb to it, or they may feel intense shame whenever a desire surfaces.

"Wanting is aliveness. How much would those people's lives change if they could just be inside their wanting? Everything would change."

For many, "I don't want" becomes a shield. You might hear someone say, "I don't want to be greedy," or "I don't want to be like my parents." While these statements seem virtuous, they are often defense mechanisms used to avoid the vulnerability of actually wanting something.

The Toxic Consequences of Hidden Wants

When desires are suppressed, they do not disappear. Instead, they go underground and manifest in destructive ways. One of the most common outcomes is codependence. In a relationship or business, if you cannot ask for what you need, you may fall into the trap of "caretaking" others in the hopes that they will intuitively return the favor.

Sideways Asking and Resentment

People who cannot own their wants often ask for them "sideways." Instead of a direct request, communication becomes manipulative or aggressive. This might look like:

• Pleasing: Over-giving to a partner or employee, hoping they will read your mind and give you what you want in return.
• Meekness: Asking with excessive hesitation ("I was wondering if maybe, if it's not too much trouble..."), which burdens the listener with your insecurity.
• Aggression: Demanding wants be met with anger ("Why do you never help me?"), which usually stems from waiting too long to ask.

This dynamic poisons relationships. If you assume your partner or your employees should "just know" what you want, you set them up for failure. When they inevitably fail to read your mind, resentment builds. The clearest path to a healthy relationship is simply telling the other person how to win with you.

The Business Impact

In a professional setting, a leader who cannot own their wants often creates a dysfunctional culture. A CEO who feels their job is to "take care of everyone's happiness" rather than driving the business forward often fosters entitlement and resentment among staff. A successful company structure relies on employees taking care of the business mission—something that can only happen if the leader clearly articulates what the business wants.

Myth-Busting: Is Wanting Selfish or Spiritual?

Two major cultural narratives often prevent us from owning our desires: the idea that wanting is selfish (often affecting women disproportionately) and the idea that wanting is the root of suffering (a common spiritual misconception).

The Gendered Struggle with Agreeableness

Socialization often pressures women to prioritize agreeableness and communal care over individual desire. There is a pervasive fear that owning a want makes one "selfish" or "difficult." However, this conflation is inaccurate. You can care deeply for others while simultaneously owning your desires. In fact, you take better care of people by being clear. Hiding your wants forces those around you to navigate a minefield of unexpressed expectations.

Wanting vs. Craving: A Spiritual Distinction

A common misinterpretation of Buddhist philosophy is that desire is the root of suffering. A more nuanced view suggests that craving and aversion are the roots of suffering, while wanting is a natural part of existence.

• Wanting is the impulse of life moving through you. It is the evolutionary pull toward the next step. It feels expansive and alive.
• Craving is a contraction. It is the belief that you are incomplete without the object of desire. It is the desperate need to "solve" the feeling of wanting by acquiring the object.

"The trying to make the wanting go away either through aversion or through craving is the thing that causes the suffering rather than, 'Oh cool, there's wanting.'"

Everything you do is based on a want. Even the act of meditating to transcend desire is motivated by a want for peace or enlightenment. The goal is not to eliminate want, but to stop identifying with the outcome. Suffering arises when you believe that getting what you want will permanently fix you.

The Power of Vulnerability and Identity

Asking for what you want feels dangerous because it is an act of vulnerability. It opens you up to two fears: the fear of rejection and the fear of being seen. We often tell ourselves stories to avoid this risk: "If I ask, they will get angry," or "If I ask, I'll be disappointed."

However, by not asking, you are preemptively rejecting yourself. You guarantee the outcome you fear. Paradoxically, owning your wants makes you less manipulatable. A person who represses their desire for money or love is easily controlled by those things because they are operating in the shadows. A person who says, "Yes, I want to be wealthy," or "Yes, I want this connection," can pursue those goals with eyes wide open, without shame or hidden agendas.

Shifting Your Identity

Your wants are the breadcrumbs of your evolution. To own a new want is to invite a shift in identity. Many people self-sabotage—destroying wealth or relationships they’ve acquired—because their internal identity does not match their external success. They simply do not feel they are "allowed" to have it.

When you stop warring with your desires, you stop warring with who you are becoming. You move from a victim story ("I can't have this") to a creator story.

How to Practice Owning Your Wants

If you recognize that you are at war with your own desires, the path forward involves a somatic and practical shift.

1. Feel the Sensation First

The most critical step is to separate the feeling of wanting from the object of wanting. Sit with the physical sensation. What does "wanting" feel like in your body? Is it a pull? A heat? A vibration? Practice enjoying the energy of wanting without immediately needing to resolve it. Savor the aliveness of it.

2. Write the "Do Want" List

If you are stuck in a cycle of "I don't want this," flip the script. Write down everything you are trying to avoid, and then translate each item into its positive opposite. Move from playing "not to lose" to playing "to win."

3. Practice Clean Communication

Start expressing desires without attachment to the result. This creates a powerful feedback loop. You might say to a partner, "I really want to go to the movies tonight." If they say no, practice accepting that without collapsing. The victory is not in going to the movies; the victory is in having the courage to ask and being okay with the answer.

Conclusion

We shape our world around our identity, and our identity is fueled by what we are willing to want. If you believe you are not responsible for your own happiness, or that you are too "good" to want things, you stagnate. But if you view wanting as the engine of your evolution, life opens up.

The transition requires courage. You must be willing to be seen, to be rejected, and to be misunderstood. But on the other side of that vulnerability is a life that is truly yours—not one constructed out of obligation or fear, but one built on the honest, vibrant foundation of your own desire.