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At the core of the human experience lies a question that haunts us more persistently than the drive for food or shelter: Do I matter? This is not merely a question of vanity or ego. According to philosopher and novelist Rebecca Goldstein, this is an evolutionary imperative. Just as we have a biological instinct to survive, we possess a distinct "mattering instinct"—a desperate need to feel that our existence is significant, justifiable, and deserving of attention. Without this sense of objective worth, our subjective will to live can crumble.
In a fascinating discussion on the Hidden Forces podcast, Goldstein dissects the architecture of this longing. By bridging the gap between Spinoza’s philosophy and modern psychology, she reveals how our search for meaning drives our behavior, shapes our families, and defines our mental health. This exploration challenges us to look at our own lives and ask: What is the "mattering project" to which I have staked my identity?
Key Takeaways
- Mattering is Normative: It is not enough to matter to ourselves biologically; we possess a profound need to feel objectively deserving of attention from the world or a specific community.
- The Role of Attention: Mattering is fundamentally about attention. We constantly assess who is looking at us (parents, peers, history) to gauge our worth.
- The Happiness vs. Fulfillment Distinction: Parents often report low levels of moment-to-moment happiness but high levels of fulfillment (eudaimonia), proving that a meaningful life is often distinct from a pleasurable one.
- The Heroic Striver: One of the primary archetypes of mattering involves meeting internalized, rigorous standards of excellence rather than seeking simple fame.
- The Danger of No Outlet: As seen in the contrast between William and Alice James, possessing the drive to matter without a viable "project" to channel it can lead to debilitating psychological distress.
The Biology and Philosophy of "Deserving"
To understand the mattering instinct, we must first distinguish between biological survival and human significance. All living creatures, from bacteria to mammals, strive to persist. They pay attention to their environment—seeking food, avoiding predators—and prioritize their own existence. Biologically, we matter to ourselves by default.
However, humans possess a unique capacity for high-level self-reflection. We can step outside ourselves and view our lives as objects in the world. When we do this, we notice a discrepancy: we pay an obsessive amount of attention to ourselves, yet we need to know why. We require a reason to justify this intense self-focus.
If in fact we are creatures who want to feel deserving of attention... ultimately our own attention... that means that we are in our very essence normative creatures, creatures who care about values.
This leap from "is" (I am alive) to "ought" (I deserve to be here) transforms us into normative beings. We crave a sense of objective weight. When this sense of deservingness collapses—when a person feels they do not matter and never will—it often manifests as deep depression. It is a form of self-loathing where one can no longer justify the space they occupy.
The Parenting Paradox: Our First Mattering Map
Our first adjudicators of worth are our parents. The family unit serves as the initial model of the world, where children learn whether they are deserving of attention. Children are remarkably perceptive regarding the quality of attention they receive, noticing not just that parents are watching, but the intensity and authenticity of that focus.
Goldstein notes that modern technology has introduced new anxieties here. When a parent’s attention is constantly diverted to a smartphone, the child perceives a withdrawal of mattering. This dynamic sets the stage for how we seek validation later in life.
Happiness vs. Eudaimonia
The pursuit of mattering often puts us at odds with the pursuit of happiness. Goldstein cites the research of psychologist Dan Gilbert, often referred to as the "parenting paradox." Data suggests that while parents often report lower levels of episodic happiness (momentary joy) compared to non-parents, they simultaneously report higher levels of life satisfaction.
This aligns with the ancient Greek concept of eudaimonia—a sense of flourishing and meaningfulness that looks at life as a whole narrative rather than a series of pleasurable moments.
You can be tolerating a tremendous amount of unhappiness in terms of your episodic... emotions journal, and still feel that your life is going pretty damn well.
We are willing to sacrifice sleep, comfort, and momentary joy (happiness) to engage in the difficult work of raising children because it appeases our mattering instinct (fulfillment).
The Mattering Map: The Heroic Striver
To navigate the sea of longing, humans create what Goldstein calls a "Mattering Map." We adopt specific strategies or archetypes to prove our worth. While there are several types—including socializers, competitors, and transcenders—the Heroic Striver is particularly complex.
Heroic Strivers are not necessarily motivated by fame or applause. Instead, they are driven by internalized standards of excellence. Whether in art, intellect, or ethics, they judge themselves against a rigorous ideal. They need to feel they are making progress toward this ideal to feel they are flourishing.
This path is fraught with uncertainty. Because the standard is internal and high, Heroic Strivers often live with a gnawing doubt about whether they are actually meeting it. Even highly successful figures, such as the poet John Berryman, can receive external accolades yet feel like failures because they haven't satisfied their own mattering criteria.
Case Study: The Tragedy of Potential
The necessity of having a valid outlet for this instinct is starkly illustrated by the siblings William and Alice James. Both possessed extraordinary intellect, sensitivity, and the "heroic" temperament. However, their lives diverged based on their ability to enact a mattering project.
- William James: The father of American psychology suffered from severe depression in his youth. However, he eventually channeled his immense energy and intellect into a defined project: the development of psychology and philosophy. He willed himself into a purpose.
- Alice James: Equally talented, Alice lived in an era and social environment that provided no outlet for a woman of her intellect. Without a "mattering project" to absorb her capabilities, her energy turned inward, manifesting as lifelong hysteria and invalidism.
This comparison serves as a controlled experiment in the mattering instinct. It suggests that depression and psychological malaise can stem not just from chemical imbalances, but from the existential crisis of having a "mattering engine" with nowhere to go.
Conclusion: The Longing That Defines Us
Ultimately, Goldstein describes mattering not as a destination, but as a longing. It is an instinct that can never be fully and permanently satisfied. We live with the uncertainty that we might be getting it wrong, that our chosen path might not grant us the significance we crave.
To live a fulfilling life requires a leap of faith. We must choose a project—whether it is raising a family, creating art, or building a business—and stake our identity on it, knowing that the doubt is part of the process. Acknowledging this instinct allows us to be more compassionate toward ourselves and others, recognizing that behind almost every human behavior is the desperate, distinctly human need to know that we are not just passing through.
For more in-depth philosophy and critical analysis, visit Hidden Forces.
