Table of Contents
Valentine’s Day is statistically one of the busiest times of the year for divorce lawyers. The romantic pressure often forces couples to confront cracked foundations, leading to a surge in filings. James Sexton, a prominent New York City divorce attorney who has facilitated the dissolution of over a thousand marriages, offers a paradoxical perspective: to understand how to stay in love, you must understand exactly how love falls apart. By examining the autopsy of failed relationships, Sexton provides a reverse-engineered guide to maintaining a healthy, lasting union. From the necessity of prenuptial agreements to the dangers of "weaponized intimacy," his insights strip away the romance to reveal the mechanics of a functioning partnership.
Key Takeaways
- Every marriage has a prenup: You either sign one you wrote together, or you default to the one written by the state government.
- Weaponized intimacy is fatal: Using a partner's vulnerabilities against them during an argument breaks trust that is nearly impossible to repair.
- Marriage is an economy: Viewing relationships as an exchange of value isn't unromantic; it is necessary for maintaining equity and preventing resentment.
- The "We" should not consume the "Me": A major cause of dissatisfaction is losing one’s individual identity to the relationship entity.
- Recovery requires solitude: Jumping immediately into a new relationship after a breakup prevents necessary grief processing; reconnecting with oneself is the only path to true healing.
The Prenup Paradox: Why You Should Talk Legal on the Third Date
There is a pervasive myth that prenuptial agreements are unromantic or indicate a lack of faith in the relationship’s longevity. Sexton argues the opposite: discussing a prenup is an act of intimacy and safety. The reality of marriage law is that once you say "I do," you are entering into a binding legal contract with the state as a third party.
Sexton’s philosophy is straightforward: everyone has a prenup. It is either the contract you write with the person you love, or it is the default contract written by the government—a set of laws that can change without your consent. By drafting your own agreement, you are effectively saying, "I love you enough to define exactly how I want to protect you, and how I want to be protected, should things not work out."
"A prenup is a contract of 'if this marriage ends.' Every marriage ends. It either ends in death or divorce. If your marriage ends in something other than death, what will be the rule set that governs how we divide our assets?"
Reframing the Conversation
Bringing up a prenup early—Sexton provocatively suggests as early as the third date—acts as a filter for compatibility. It opens a window into a partner's financial philosophy, their ability to have difficult conversations, and their views on fairness. If a partner shuts down or refuses to discuss the legal reality of marriage, it may signal an inability to handle the complex, unromantic logistics that life inevitably throws at a couple.
The Economy of Marriage and Losing the "Me"
Modern romantic culture often shies away from viewing marriage as a transaction, but Sexton argues that it is fundamentally an economy—a system of value exchange. This does not mean it is cold or calculated; rather, it means acknowledging that both parties bring different resources to the table, whether financial, emotional, or domestic.
A frequent cause of divorce is the erosion of the individual self. In the "honeymoon phase," couples often merge their identities so completely that the "We" consumes the "Me." Over time, this leads to a loss of the very characteristics that made the individuals attractive to each other in the first place.
Establishing a Baseline
To prevent the slow drift toward resentment, couples must establish and monitor their baseline. If a relationship begins with frequent physical intimacy and deep conversation, and ten years later those things have evaporated, the "economy" of the marriage has crashed. Acknowledging this shift isn't about assigning blame; it is about recognizing that the terms of the exchange have changed and need to be renegotiated.
Conflict Resolution: Avoiding Weaponized Intimacy
How a couple argues is a far better predictor of divorce than how much they love each other. Sexton identifies "weaponized intimacy" as the ultimate relationship killer. Intimacy creates a repository of a partner's deepest insecurities, fears, and traumas. When a partner utilizes this ammunition during a fight to win a point, they cause irreversible damage.
"Intimacy by definition is the ability to be completely yourself with another person... If you then use those soft spots to hurt the other person when they've upset you, that's a villainous thing to do because you can't take that back."
The "Hit Send Now" Strategy
To mitigate the damage of heated arguments, Sexton suggests moving the conflict to a different medium. Verbal arguments often trigger defensive, physiological reactions where the goal becomes survival rather than resolution. Writing an email allows for a pause. It forces the writer to organize their thoughts and allows the reader to digest the information without the immediate pressure to respond defensively. It changes the dynamic from a boxing match to a correspondence, preserving the dignity of both parties.
The Gentlemanosphere and Modern Masculinity
The landscape of modern relationships is shifting, with many men feeling unmoored regarding their role. Sexton discusses the concept of the "Gentlemanosphere"—a counter-movement to toxic masculinity that emphasizes competence, emotional intelligence, and a code of conduct.
There is a biological and evolutionary component to attraction that shouldn't be ignored. Men often bond through "vasopressin"—the drive to overcome challenges and achieve goals. In relationships, this translates to the need for a challenge or a standard to meet. Sexton suggests that women act as the "gatekeepers" of sex and commitment, and by holding men to higher standards, they actually help men become better versions of themselves.
The "suit and tattoos" analogy encapsulates this ideal: a man who is civilized and disciplined (the suit) but retains a capacity for danger and physicality (the tattoos). It is the integration of the "savage" capability with a civilized mind that creates a stable, attractive partner.
Knowing When to Leave and How to Heal
Despite best efforts, not all marriages can or should be saved. Sexton notes that the most painful type of loneliness is not being alone, but being in a room with someone you are supposed to connect with and feeling completely isolated.
The Litmus Test for Leaving
If you are unsure whether to end a relationship, Sexton proposes a few diagnostic questions:
- If you woke up tomorrow and the relationship had ended without drama, would you feel disappointed or relieved?
- Would you want your child to date someone who treats them exactly as your partner treats you?
- Do you spend more time managing the relationship than enjoying it?
The Art of the Breakup
When a relationship ends, the instinct is often to fill the void immediately. Sexton warns against the "get over someone by getting under someone" approach. A divorce or breakup is a death of a shared life, and it requires a grieving process.
The most effective way to heal is to reconnect with the parts of the self that were dormant during the relationship. For Sexton, this was returning to martial arts—specifically Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Engaging in a physical practice, building a routine, and finding a community provides a necessary anchor when the domestic structure has collapsed. It transforms the silence of an empty house from a source of pain into a space for rebuilding identity.
Conclusion: The Long Game
In a viral image of Pierce Brosnan and his wife taken 20 years apart, internet critics mocked the physical changes of aging. Sexton views this reaction as a symptom of a society that has forgotten what love actually looks like. The goal of a long-term marriage is not to freeze time, but to witness each other's evolution.
Successful marriage is not about maintaining the status quo of the wedding day. It is about two people helping one another become the most authentic versions of themselves. By understanding the legal, emotional, and economic realities of this union, couples can move past the fairy tale and build a partnership capable of withstanding the inevitable storms of life.
