How to (Finally) Grow the F*ck Up

It often feels like the internet has become a showcase for humanity’s worst impulses. From "Karens" losing their temper in coffee shops to overgrown man-children displaying what can only be described as baby rage, the digital landscape is littered with evidence of immaturity. This phenomenon forces us to ask a difficult question: Is society actually getting worse? Are we witnessing a regression in collective maturity, or does the lens of social media simply magnify a minority of bad actors?

To answer this, we cannot rely on anecdotes alone. We must look at the psychology of development itself. By understanding what it scientifically means to "grow up"—from the egocentrism of childhood to the transactional nature of adolescence and finally to the autonomy of adulthood—we can better diagnose the modern condition. Maturity is not merely the passage of time; it is a complex psychological rewiring that requires specific environmental challenges to occur.

Key Takeaways

• Maturity is a predictable progression: It moves from a self-centered view (childhood) to a transactional view (adolescence), and finally to a principles-based view (adulthood).
• Growth requires "thwarting": Psychological development only occurs when our desires are blocked, forcing us to realize the world operates independently of our feelings.
• Adolescence is defined by transaction: Teenagers—and stunted adults—often view relationships as bargains to be manipulated for approval or status.
• The "Goldilocks Zone" of challenge: To mature, individuals need a balance of security and risk; too much safety breeds fragility, while too much trauma causes stagnation.
• Algorithms may arrest development: Digital feedback loops often cater to our whims, reinforcing the childlike belief that our feelings dictate reality.

The Psychology of the Child Mind

To understand why adults act like children, we must first understand the operating system of a child. In the 1920s, Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget revolutionized our understanding of human intelligence while working at the Alfred Binet Institute in Paris. While trying to refine IQ tests, Piaget noticed that children made consistent, predictable errors. This observation led to the field of developmental psychology.

Piaget discovered that children are not simply "stupid" adults; they perceive existence through a fundamentally different lens. The defining characteristic of a child is the inability to conceive of a world outside themselves. In psychology, this lack of "formal operational thinking" means a child assumes their perspective is the only perspective.

"If a child is angry, then the world is wrong. If a child is scared, the world must be dangerous. If a child feels it, it must be true."

This egocentrism creates two distinct behavioral patterns:

1. Emotional Reasoning: Children view their emotions as objective facts. There is no separation between "I feel this" and "This is reality."
2. Inability to Plan: Because they cannot view themselves from a third-person perspective, children cannot understand second or third-order effects. They want what they want immediately, without regard for future consequences or the feelings of others.

The Mechanism of Growth: Being Thwarted

How does a human being move past this stage? The catalyst for growth is resistance. A child matures only when their desires are thwarted enough times that they are forced to accept that the world does not revolve around them. They must learn that just because they want ice cream does not mean they get it, and just because they are upset does not mean the external world is broken.

This is why boundaries are critical. If a parent soothes and placates a child at every turn, the child’s worldview is never challenged. They are never forced to develop the cognitive machinery required to understand that other people exist independently of their own desires.

The Trap of Perpetual Adolescence

As the realization of an external world takes root, the child enters adolescence. This stage is characterized by a sudden, intense awareness of cause and effect. The adolescent understands that other people have their own thoughts and that actions have consequences. However, this awareness often manifests as a deep insecurity and an obsession with identity.

Because the adolescent realizes others are watching and judging, they begin to view the world transactionally. Relationships become bargains. An adolescent mindset dictates that if you want approval, affection, or status, you must perform specific actions to purchase them.

The Transactional Mindset

This phase explains the toxic, clique-driven behavior often associated with high school. Adolescents—and adults stuck in this phase—manipulate their behavior to gain social currency. They believe that if they act a certain way, they are "owed" a specific response from the world. This can manifest in two opposite ways:

• The Performer: They become charismatic and successful at the transaction, constantly winning approval but feeling empty because their relationships are based on performance rather than authenticity.
• The Victim: They fail at the transactions but remain convinced that if they could just find the right cheat code, the world would give them what they want.

True adulthood begins only when these transactions fail. The transition to maturity happens when an individual realizes that the most valuable things in life—love, meaning, self-respect—are fundamentally non-transactional. They cannot be bought, bargained for, or manipulated. They are unconditional.

"Eventually, the adolescent has to learn that it's better to be disliked for who you are than loved for who you are not."

Why We Get Stuck: Barriers to Maturation

If the path from childhood to adulthood is natural, why do so many people seem to halt their development? Psychologists point to three primary disruptors: parenting styles, trauma, and the lack of appropriate challenge.

Attachment Theory and Parenting

Developmental psychologist John Bowlby described life as "an endless series of explorations from a secure base." For a child to grow, they need two things: the freedom to explore the dangerous world and a safe harbor to return to when overwhelmed. Parenting fails when it skews too far in either direction:

• Lack of a Secure Base: If the home is chaotic or negligent, the child develops avoidant insecurity. They learn to rely only on themselves, keeping the world at arm's length to avoid pain.
• Lack of Exploration: If the parent is overprotective (helicopter parenting), the child develops anxious insecurity. They become dependent on others to regulate their emotions and feel safe.

The Goldilocks Zone of Challenge

Growth requires a specific amount of stress. It is a "Goldilocks" equation. If life is too easy, the child's immature coping mechanisms never fail, so they never upgrade them. If life is too hard—specifically in cases of trauma—the brain becomes flooded with cortisol.

Chronic stress and trauma freeze the brain's adaptability. Instead of rewiring itself to understand the world better, a traumatized brain locks down, becoming rigid and reactive. To mature, a person needs challenges that are difficult enough to force adaptation but not so overwhelming that they cause psychological collapse.

The Digital World: An Engine for Immaturity?

Returning to the original question: Are we getting worse, or just more visible? The data presents a paradox. Statistically, traditional metrics of "bad behavior"—violent crime, drug use, teenage pregnancy—are trending down. However, developmental milestones are also being delayed. People are moving out, getting married, and achieving financial independence later than ever before.

While economic factors play a role, the digital environment may be actively interfering with the psychological mechanism of maturity. The internet disrupts the necessary process of "thwarting" in several ways:

Algorithmic Egocentrism

Recall that maturity requires realizing the world is indifferent to your desires. Social media algorithms function on the opposite premise. They are designed to cater specifically to your whims, biases, and emotional states. When a digital feed constantly reinforces your worldview and gives you exactly what you want when you want it, it artificially sustains the childlike belief that you are the center of the universe.

The Visibility of Vice

Furthermore, the internet creates a distorted perception of reality by amplifying immaturity. Adult virtue—patience, responsibility, quiet sacrifice—is rarely filmed and never goes viral. Conversely, a tantrum in a grocery store generates millions of views.

This creates a feedback loop where immature behavior is rewarded with attention (the currency of the adolescent mindset), while mature behavior goes unnoticed. We are likely not seeing a total collapse of society, but rather a system that disproportionately broadcasts the most stunted among us.

Conclusion

Growing up is not a destination; it is the process of accepting that we cannot control the world, only our own responses to it. It involves moving from the demand for immediate gratification to the acceptance of responsibility.

While the modern world offers fewer natural obstacles and more digital distractions, the path to adulthood remains the same. It requires us to step out of the transactional mindset, accept the indifference of the universe, and choose our values unconditionally. It is a difficult, often thankless transition, but it is the only way to find genuine satisfaction in a chaotic world.