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Most adults in the corporate environment are remarkably similar to children in how they process emotion, handle conflict, and seek validation. While this might sound like a provocation, it is the foundational premise of Dr. Becky Kennedy’s approach to human relationships. As a clinical psychologist and CEO of Good Inside, Dr. Becky has bridged the gap between parenting strategies and leadership principles, revealing that the skills required to manage a tantruming toddler are surprisingly effective when navigating office politics, underperformance, and team dynamics.
When we strip away the corporate jargon, humans of all ages have the same core needs: to be heard, to feel safe, and to know that a capable leader is at the helm. By applying clinical psychology frameworks to the workplace, leaders can move beyond frustration and reactive management toward a culture of resilience and "sturdy" leadership.
Key Takeaways
- Separate behavior from identity: Viewing a colleague as "good inside" but lacking a specific skill prevents defensiveness and opens the door for productive behavioral change.
- Prioritize repair over perfection: Secure attachment and trust are not built by being perfect, but by taking responsibility and repairing the relationship after a rupture.
- Be a "Sturdy Leader": Like a pilot during turbulence, a leader must validate the team's anxiety without letting that anxiety dictate the decision-making process.
- Distinguish boundaries from requests: A boundary is an action you will take that requires the other person to do nothing; a request relies on the other person’s compliance.
- Balance validation with confidence: To build resilience, use the formula "I believe you" (validation) combined with "I believe in you" (confidence in their ability to handle difficulty).
The "Good Inside" Framework: Separating Behavior from Identity
One of the most destructive habits in both parenting and management is the collapse of behavior and identity. When a colleague is consistently late, it is easy to label them as "lazy" or "disrespectful." However, this conflation leads to immediate defensiveness. As Dr. Becky notes, you cannot effectively change a behavior if the other person feels you are attacking their character.
The "Good Inside" philosophy posits that people are inherently good, but they often lack the skills to manage internal stressors, which manifests as bad behavior. In this view, a colleague blowing up in a meeting isn't necessarily a "jerk"—they may be experiencing a gap between their feelings and their emotional regulation skills.
"The idea of being good inside inherently requires us to separate behavior and identity. We infer a lot from people's behavior. Someone's late to work a lot. Oh, that person's lazy. The quickest way to have an unproductive conversation is to lose sight of the fact that someone's good inside."
The Skill Deficit Model
When you view bad behavior as a skill deficit rather than a character flaw, your role shifts from punisher to coach. Just as you wouldn't send a child to their room to "learn how to swim," you cannot shame an employee into better time management or emotional regulation. The intervention must focus on identifying the missing skill and building it, rather than judging the individual.
To implement this, start difficult conversations by affirming your shared goals. Remind them that you are on the same team. This safety allows the employee to drop their defenses and actually engage with the feedback regarding their performance.
The Power of Repair and Connection
Many leaders operate under the false assumption that authority requires perfection. However, Dr. Becky argues that "perfect is creepy." In clinical psychology, secure attachment is not defined by a lack of conflict, but by the presence of repair. A leader who never admits fault creates a brittle culture. Conversely, a leader who can say, "I used a harsh tone earlier, and I’m sorry; I was stressed, but that’s no excuse," builds profound trust.
Connect Before You Correct
In the drive for efficiency, leaders often bypass the human element to get straight to the task. This is counterproductive. Dr. Becky introduces the concept of "connecting before correcting." If you attempt to direct someone’s behavior without first establishing a relational bridge, you will likely face resistance.
Connection does not require deep, hour-long conversations. It can be as simple as:
- Making genuine eye contact.
- Asking about their weekend with the intent to listen, not just as a warm-up.
- Acknowledging their current state before making a demand.
Efficiency and relationship-building are often in opposition. While efficiency is rewarded in corporate structures, taking the "inefficient" route of establishing connection often leads to higher cooperation and productivity in the long run.
Adopting the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI)
When faced with frustrating behavior, our brains naturally drift toward the "Least Generous Interpretation"—assuming the other person is malicious, lazy, or incompetent. This mindset inevitably seeps into our tone and body language, turning feedback sessions into adversarial confrontations.
Dr. Becky suggests actively practicing the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI). This is not about excusing poor performance; it is a mental tool to keep the leader in a problem-solving state rather than a reactive one.
Applying MGI in the workplace:
- Scenario: An employee is dominating a meeting and won't stop talking.
- Least Generous Interpretation: "They are arrogant and love the sound of their own voice."
- Most Generous Interpretation: "They might not feel heard, and their anxiety is driving them to over-explain to ensure their point lands."
By adopting the MGI, a leader might approach the employee privately and say, "I notice you often belabor points in meetings. I wonder if you don't feel fully heard the first time? Let's work on that, because the team starts tuning out, which I know isn't what you want." This approach addresses the behavior directly but from a place of curiosity rather than judgment.
Becoming a Sturdy Leader
Employees, like children, look for "sturdy" leadership. A sturdy leader is someone who can validate another person's feelings without being overpowered by them. Dr. Becky illustrates this with a pilot metaphor.
The Pilot Metaphor
Imagine you are on a flight experiencing severe turbulence. The passengers are panicking. The pilot can react in three ways:
- The Authoritarian: "Sit down and shut up! You are distracting me!" (Increases fear; erodes trust).
- The Permissive: "I know, it's so scary! I’m scared too! Does anyone else want to fly the plane?" (Creates chaos; lack of safety).
- The Sturdy Leader: "I know it’s bumpy and that feels scary. But I know what I’m doing. I am going to guide us through this. I’ll see you when we land."
In the workplace, sturdy leadership means making difficult decisions—such as policy changes or restructuring—and sticking to them, even when the team is unhappy. It involves saying, "I know this change is difficult and you are frustrated. That makes sense. However, this is the decision we have made for the long-term health of the company, and I know we can get through this transition."
"I hear everyone screaming back there. That makes sense... And I know what I'm doing. This turbulence, though it scares you, it doesn't scare me."
This approach avoids the trap of "consensus management" where leaders try to make everyone happy to avoid discomfort. True leadership requires the ability to tolerate the disappointment of others while remaining capable and calm.
Boundaries vs. Requests
A common friction point in management is the misunderstanding of boundaries. Leaders often say, "I set a boundary that they need to turn in reports on time," but then get frustrated when the behavior continues. Dr. Becky clarifies that if the outcome depends on the other person acting, it is a request, not a boundary.
A boundary is what you will do, requiring the other person to do nothing.
If an employee repeatedly disrespects a meeting time, a request is: "Please stop being late." A boundary is: "We start meetings at 9:00 AM sharp. If you arrive after 9:05, the door will be closed, and we will catch you up via email later."
This empowers the leader. You are no longer waiting for the other person to change for you to feel effective. You are taking control of the environment and your own actions. While this may cause temporary friction (or a "tantrum"), it clarifies expectations and protects the leader's energy.
Resilience Over Happiness
There is a prevailing cultural trend to optimize for happiness and comfort. However, Dr. Becky argues that optimizing for happiness often leads to fragility. Resilience is the ability to tolerate a wide range of emotions—disappointment, jealousy, frustration—without collapsing.
When a team member is struggling with a difficult project, the instinct might be to save them (do the work for them) or minimize their feelings ("It's not that big of a deal"). Both approaches rob the individual of the opportunity to build resilience.
The Formula: "I Believe You" + "I Believe In You"
To build a resilient workforce, leaders must inhabit a specific space: one foot in the hole with the struggling person (empathy) and one foot out (confidence).
- I believe you: Validate the difficulty. "It makes sense that you are overwhelmed. This is a massive project and the timeline is tight."
- I believe in you: Affirm their capability. "I also know you are capable of figuring this out. I’m here to support you, but I’m not going to take this off your plate because I know you can get to the other side of this."
This combination allows the employee to feel seen while also feeling the confidence of their leader. It reframes the struggle as a manageable challenge rather than an impossible threat.
Conclusion
Whether in a family or a Fortune 500 company, the mechanics of human connection remain constant. We all desire to be led by people who are sturdy, who see the good in us even when we struggle, and who care enough to hold boundaries. By adopting the "Good Inside" lens, leaders can move away from reactive, judgment-based management toward a style that fosters psychological safety, resilience, and genuine growth.
To start applying this today, Dr. Becky suggests a simple "360-degree review" question to ask your team (or your family): "If I could do one thing differently this week to be a better leader for you, what would it be?" The answer might be hard to hear, but receiving it with curiosity rather than defensiveness is the first step toward sturdy leadership.
