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Most of us operate under a false assumption about how our emotions work. We subscribe to what psychologists call the "hydraulic model" of emotion: the idea that feelings are like a pressurized blob of energy inside us that must either be bottled up or vented out. This view is not only simplistic; it is fundamentally wrong. Emotions are not fluids to be released; they are recipes to be understood—complex mixtures of thoughts, physiological sensations, and behavioral responses.
Donald Robertson, a cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist and expert on Stoicism, suggests that understanding the ingredients of this recipe is the first step toward mental resilience. Whether dealing with the paralysis of anxiety or the volatility of anger, the mechanisms of recovery are often counter-intuitive. They require us to lean into discomfort rather than avoid it, and to use our higher reasoning faculties to dismantle the cognitive traps we set for ourselves.
Key Takeaways
- Emotions are recipes, not pressure valves: Anxiety and anger are constructed from specific ingredients—thoughts, actions, and feelings—which means they can be deconstructed and altered.
- Avoidance fuels anxiety: Trying to suppress or hide from anxiety prevents the brain from habituating to it. Exposure is the most robust tool for recovery.
- Worry is failed problem-solving: Chronic worrying maintains anxiety at a moderate level, preventing the natural emotional processing that occurs during true exposure.
- The "Worry Postponement" technique: Scheduling a specific time to worry reduces the frequency and intensity of anxious thoughts by engaging the prefrontal cortex.
- Anger acts as a distraction: Anger often serves as a defense mechanism to mask more vulnerable emotions like hurt or shame, externalizing internal pain.
The Mechanics of Anxiety and Exposure
To understand how to dismantle anxiety, we must first understand how we inadvertently maintain it. The most robustly established technique in the entire field of psychotherapy research is exposure therapy. Its premise is simple but difficult to execute: you must face the thing you fear without trying to escape it.
The Physiology of Habituation
Robertson uses the example of a person with a cat phobia locked in a room with cats. Initially, their heart rate will spike dramatically—doubling in less than five seconds. This is the body's acute stress response. However, physiology dictates that what goes up must come down. If the person remains in the room and nothing catastrophic happens, their heart rate will eventually return to baseline. This process is called emotional habituation.
If that same person returns to the room the next day, the initial spike in anxiety will be lower, and the recovery time faster. Over repeated exposures, the anxiety response diminishes until it looks like a "Stegosaurus tail"—small spikes that fade into nothingness. This is how the brain learns that the threat is not existential.
The Problem with "Safety Behaviors"
The reason many people never overcome their fears is that they interrupt this process. They engage in avoidance or "safety behaviors." In a social setting, this might look like avoiding eye contact, over-preparing for a meeting, or obsessively monitoring one's breathing.
While these behaviors might offer temporary relief, they prevent the brain from processing the anxiety naturally. By trying to control the feeling, we inadvertently signal to our brain that the anxiety itself is dangerous. This creates a "second-order problem": we become anxious about being anxious. We fear the shaking hands or the racing heart more than the situation itself. To heal, one must drop the safety behaviors and allow the anxiety to exist so it can extinguish itself.
Worry vs. Fear: The Cognitive Trap
While phobias are visceral and physiological, worry is distinctively cognitive. Worry is a verbal conversation we have with ourselves—a loop of "what if" scenarios. Interestingly, research shows that chronic worrying functions as a form of cognitive avoidance.
Worry as Avoidance
When people engage in pathological worry, their physiological arousal (heart rate) often does not spike as high as it does during a panic attack or phobic reaction. Instead, worry maintains anxiety at a constant, moderate level. It keeps the individual in a state of suspended animation, preventing them from fully visualizing the worst-case scenario, processing the emotion, and moving on.
"Worrying is kind of like failed problem solving... It causes you to jump around in an abstract way, so it prevents you from really confronting your problems in a concrete way where your anxiety would spike and then you'd get through it."
The Power of Postponement
One of the most effective interventions for generalized anxiety is Worry Postponement. The technique is deceptively simple:
- Notice when you start to worry.
- Tell yourself, "I am not in the right frame of mind to fix this now. I will think about it at 7:00 PM."
- Write the worry down and return to your day.
- At the appointed time, sit down and intentionally think about the problem.
This works because anxiety biases our thinking. When we are in a "fight or flight" mode, the amygdala hijacks the brain, leading to black-and-white, catastrophic thinking. By postponing the worry, we wait until we are in a calmer state. This allows us to engage the neocortex—the part of the brain responsible for rational planning and nuance. Often, by the time the scheduled "worry time" arrives, the issue no longer feels urgent.
Anger: The Forgotten Emotion
While anxiety is an internalizing disorder, anger is an externalizing one. This makes it notoriously difficult to treat, not because the therapies don't work, but because angry people rarely seek help. They perceive the cause of their distress as external—"I'm not the problem; that jerk who cut me off is the problem."
Anger as a Mask
Anger is frequently a secondary emotion used to cope with feelings that are more difficult to tolerate, such as hurt, shame, or anxiety. Anger provides a surge of energy and a sense of power, compensating for feelings of helplessness. It effectively distracts us from our own pain by focusing our attention entirely on the perceived faults of others.
"If I get really angry, then I'm not really paying attention to how hurt I am anymore because I'm just thinking about how I'm going to deal with you."
Dehumanization and the "Total Jerk" Fallacy
A common cognitive distortion in anger is the reduction of another person's complexity into a single negative trait—labeling someone a "total jerk" or an "idiot." This is a form of objectification. When we reduce someone to a label, we strip them of their humanity, which justifies our aggression and prevents empathy or effective problem-solving.
The antidote is a technique similar to worry postponement: catch it early. By pausing for just thirty seconds when the initial physiological agitation begins, we can often identify the precursor emotion—the hurt or the embarrassment—before it calcifies into rage. This brief pause allows for "cognitive reappraisal," giving the rational mind a chance to interpret the situation more accurately.
The Gap Between Skills Acquisition and Application
We live in an era of abundant self-help resources. Yet, despite the availability of apps, podcasts, and books, mental health statistics are not improving. Robertson argues that this is due to a deficit in skills application.
Many people treat mental health like a hobby they practice in private. They journal in the morning or meditate on a cushion, but they compartmentalize these skills. When they walk into a stressful meeting or get into an argument, they leave their Stoicism on the yoga mat. They behave like "lions in the school and foxes in the streets."
Stoic Mindfulness (Prooche)
The missing link is what the Stoics called Prooche, or constant attention. It is the practice of observing one's thoughts and impulses in real-time, throughout the day, not just during a scheduled session. To bridge the gap between theory and practice, we must move from passive consumption of self-help content to active, courageous engagement with the real world.
Conclusion
Whether dealing with the "flight" of anxiety or the "fight" of anger, the solution lies in moving toward the experience rather than away from it. Avoidance, distraction, and blame are instinctive safety mechanisms that ultimately keep us trapped in cycles of distress. By understanding the cognitive ingredients of our emotions—and applying robust tools like exposure and worry postponement—we can retrain our brains to handle the inevitable stressors of life with resilience and clarity.
