World No.1 Divorce Lawyer: This Is A Sign You’ll Divorce In 10 Years!

It seems paradoxical to ask a divorce lawyer how to save a marriage, but James Sexton argues that facilitating the demise of relationships provides the clearest roadmap for preserving them. Sexton, a high-profile divorce attorney, views relationship health through the lens of a mechanic rather than a car salesman. While the salesman sells the dream of the perfect vehicle, the mechanic knows exactly which parts are likely to break down after 50,000 miles.

In a candid conversation about the fragility of human connection, Sexton dissects the specific behaviors, cognitive biases, and communication failures that lead couples from the altar to his office. He challenges the modern myth that love should be effortless and offers a pragmatic, often uncomfortable truth: if you treat your relationship with less discipline than your career or your fitness routine, it will fail. The following insights break down the mechanics of staying in love, the necessity of uncomfortable conversations, and the rituals that prevent the slow drift into indifference.

Key Takeaways

• The "Slippage" Theory: Divorce is rarely caused by a single catastrophic event; it is the result of accumulated "slippage"—small, unnoticed disconnections that eventually create an unbridgeable chasm.
• The 3x3 Weekly Ritual: To maintain intimacy, couples should implement a weekly review where they articulate three things they love about their partner, three times they felt loved, and three areas for improvement.
• The "Menu" of Support: Conflict often arises from mismatched needs; offering a "menu" (do you want solutions, listening, or distraction?) clarifies expectations instantly.
• Reframing Prenups: A prenup is not a prediction of divorce but a customized rule set for the relationship, protecting both parties from generic state laws that may not serve their specific interests.
• The Goal is Authenticity: The highest purpose of a partnership is not to change the other person, but to help them become the most authentic version of themselves.

The Anatomy of "Slippage": How Relationships Actually Die

Most people assume marriages end due to explosive betrayals or sudden changes of heart. However, professional observation suggests that the end of a relationship is almost always a slow erosion rather than a sudden break. This phenomenon, which Sexton terms "slippage," is the subtle accumulation of distance.

• The danger of the "effortless" myth: Society, fueled by romantic comedies and social media, propagates the idea that true love is easy. This creates a false binary where couples believe that if relationship work feels hard, they must be with the wrong person, rather than understanding that friction is inherent to long-term commitment.
• Ignoring the raindrops causes the flood: Slippage consists of small disconnections—a missed text, a forgotten compliment, a distracted dinner—that seem insignificant individually. However, just as no single raindrop is responsible for a flood, these accumulated moments eventually drown the connection.
• The avoidance of temporary discomfort: Humans are hardwired to avoid pain. Addressing small annoyances or disconnects requires facing temporary discomfort. By avoiding these small "pinches" to keep the peace, couples inadvertently allow resentment to calcify over years.
• The decline of attention: The most common reason a spouse (particularly a wife) ends up in a divorce lawyer’s office is feeling that she has slipped to the bottom of her partner's priority list. It is not necessarily a lack of love, but a lack of demonstrated focus amidst career and life chaos.
• Losing the "plot" of the story: Every couple begins with an origin story of intense focus and mutual obsession. Divorce happens when the couple "loses the plot," transitioning from co-authors of a shared future to two individuals merely managing logistics under the same roof.
• The fallacy of the "Game Face": High achievers often exhaust their emotional bandwidth at work, bringing their "game face" to professional settings while giving their partners their exhausted, leftover energy. This imbalance signals to the partner that they are less valuable than professional success.

"Slippage is these small disconnections. Small disconnections that in of themselves mean nothing. Like no single raindrop is responsible for the flood. That little raindrop, it's just a little raindrop... but slippage is this gradually increasing number of small disconnections that eventually leads to the giant marriage killer."

Implementing the "Relationship Performance Review"

We accept that performance reviews are necessary for career growth, yet we view similar check-ins in relationships as unromantic or clinical. Sexton argues that treating love with the same seriousness as a high-stakes job is the only way to ensure longevity. He proposes a specific, weekly ritual designed to force connection and vulnerability.

• The weekly 3x3x3 structure: Once a week, couples should sit down and exchange three specific lists: three things they love about the partner, three things the partner did that made them feel loved that week, and three things the partner could have done better.
• The necessity of "constructive critique": The third part of the ritual—what could be done better—is the most crucial. It provides a safe, scheduled container to voice small grievances (e.g., "I wish you hadn't been on your phone at dinner") before they transform into deep-seated resentment.
• Overcoming the "cringe" factor: Many people resist this exercise because it feels awkward or because they fear intimacy. However, if a partner cannot name three things they like about you after a week of marriage, that indicates a fundamental disconnect that requires immediate attention.
• Advanced version—The sexual component: To maintain romantic polarity, couples can add a fourth category: "Three things you did this week that made me want to have sex with you." This keeps desire and physical attraction in the ongoing conversation.
• Written vs. Verbal communication: For partners who are "avoidant" or struggle with verbal intimacy, this exercise can be done via email or handwritten notes. The medium matters less than the consistency of the data exchange.
• The "Time" excuse is invalid: A common objection is a lack of time. Sexton counters this by noting that if a couple cannot find five minutes a week for relationship maintenance, they will eventually be forced to find hundreds of hours for divorce proceedings or therapy.

"If you don't have five minutes a week to devote to your spouse or partner, then you're going to need hours. I think you should actually set aside hours... If you don't have five minutes a week... you're going to need hours [for the divorce]."

The Communication "Menu" and Navigating Conflict

One of the most persistent sources of conflict is the misalignment of emotional needs during stressful moments. A partner often wants empathy while the other offers solutions, leading to frustration on both sides. Sexton suggests operationalizing support by using a "menu" approach to remove the guesswork from emotional support.

• The "Menu" concept: When a partner is distressed, the other should explicitly ask: "Do you want the menu?" The options are: 1) Just listen and offer comfort, 2) Offer solutions and advice, or 3) Provide distraction (a joke, a walk, or sex).
• Defining the "blind spots": Men and women often process stress differently. Men frequently view complaints as problems to be solved (the "fix-it" mode), while women often view them as opportunities for emotional processing. Acknowledging this difference is not sexist; it is a practical tool for calibration.
• The power of the preemptive apology: In high-conflict situations, leading with an apology—even if you don't think you are entirely wrong—can disarm the other person. Apologizing for "tone" or "misunderstanding" lowers defenses and shifts the conversation from combat to collaboration.
• Handling the "Independent" partner: People who grew up in chaotic environments (like children of alcoholics) often develop extreme independence as a defense mechanism. In relationships, this manifests as an inability to ask for help. Partners must learn to gently dismantle these walls without triggering the fear of dependency.
• The danger of defensiveness: When a partner raises an issue, the immediate human reaction is often to defend one's intent ("I didn't mean to do that"). Effective communication requires suppressing the defense mechanism to validate the partner's experience of the event ("I see that it hurt you").
• Learning to just "be": Sometimes, communication isn't about words. For partners who over-intellectualize or over-talk (a trait common in lawyers and high achievers), the most powerful communication is simply sitting in shared silence, offering physical presence without the need to fill the void with noise.

Infidelity, Temptation, and the "Potato Chip" Analogy

Cheating is rarely the root cause of a breakup; it is usually a symptom of a relationship that died long ago. Sexton provides a counter-intuitive look at why people stray, challenging the moralizing narrative in favor of a behavioral one.

• The "Potato Chip" theory of temptation: Infidelity often happens not because someone is evil, but because they are hungry and the "chips" (temptation) are available. If a relationship leaves a person feeling lonely, hungry, or undervalued, they are statistically more likely to consume the "junk food" of an affair if it is easily accessible.
• Men vs. Women cheating patterns: Professionally, Sexton observes that men tend to cheat in "scattershot, stupid ways" often disconnected from emotional intimacy. Conversely, when women cheat, it is frequently an "exit strategy" or a sign that the emotional bond of the marriage has already been completely severed.
• The "ranking" problem: High-status men often lose their wives not because they are bad providers, but because the wife feels she has slipped to the middle or bottom of his priority list. An affair often provides the attention and "ranking" she is missing at home.
• Discipline is trading what you want now for what you want most: Preventing infidelity requires keeping "what you want most" (a stable family, a loving partner) in the immediate line of sight to override the temporary impulse of "what you want now" (validation, excitement).
• The role of opportunity: Successful people travel, attend high-status events, and meet attractive people. This lifestyle increases the surface area for temptation. Acknowledging this risk allows couples to build guardrails rather than pretending that love makes them immune to biology.
• The aftermath of betrayal: While society focuses on the scandal of cheating, the legal reality is that it is often just the final punctuation mark on a long sentence of neglect. Recovering (or separating) requires looking at the underlying "hunger" that led to the breach.

Reframing the Prenup: Yours, Mine, and Ours

Perhaps the most misunderstood tool in modern relationships is the prenuptial agreement. Often viewed as a plan for failure or a lack of trust, Sexton reframes the prenup as an essential act of responsible adulting—a customized rule set for a shared life.

• The "Government's Prenup": Everyone already has a prenup; it is written by the state legislature. By refusing to sign a personal agreement, a couple is implicitly stating they trust the government's generic laws more than a rule set they create themselves.
• The "Bucket" Theory (M&Ms analogy): Marriage legally blends assets. A prenup simply defines three buckets: "Yours," "Mine," and "Ours." It prevents the accidental "co-mingling" of assets that turns separate property into community property.
• The 7-Year Risk: In many jurisdictions (like California), assets can become community property after a certain duration or through co-mingling. Without clear rules, a short marriage can lead to a disproportionate loss of wealth, or a long marriage can leave a dependent spouse unprotected.
• Safety as a love language: A prenup should make both parties feel safe. For the wealthier partner, it protects pre-existing labor. For the dependent partner, it can guarantee specific support in the event of a split, often more generously than the law would require.
• The "Hard Conversation" test: If a couple is too scared to talk about a prenup, they are likely not ready for marriage. Life will present far harder challenges than asset division (cancer, death of a child, bankruptcy). If you cannot talk about money, you cannot navigate life.
• The "Pet-Nup": With pets increasingly viewed as family members, custody battles over dogs are becoming common and vicious. A "pet-nup" is a simple agreement outlining custody, vet bills, and end-of-life decisions for pets, preventing emotional blackmail during a breakup.

"A prenup is not a referendum on the likelihood of us breaking up... A prenup is a rule set... You're not protecting yourselves against each other. You're protecting yourselves against the government making the rule set in the event that your marriage ends."

Conclusion: The Pursuit of Authenticity

Ultimately, the goal of a relationship is not to lock someone into a static version of themselves, nor is it to mold them into a fantasy. The highest function of love, according to Sexton, is to act as a mirror that helps your partner become their most authentic self.

This requires a brave acceptance of change. The person you marry will not be the person you are with in ten years. The "job" of the relationship is to keep the dialogue open as both parties evolve. It is about checking in, updating the files, and continuously asking, "Who are you now, and how can I love this version of you?"

Marriage is a risk. It ends in death or divorce—there is no third option. But there is profound courage in taking that risk. As Sexton concludes, the greatest gift you can give a partner at the end of the road is the ability for them to say: "You helped me become the most authentic version of myself, and you are still my favorite person."